Recently I realised that I've lost my way in life and that I have actually no clue what I am doing and where I am going. Right now I see the next three years for me, the time I need to get my master degree, and then nothing. I have absolutely no clue what I want to do in life. Well I want to become a writer but that is hardly a full time job and I need to become a lot better. I am trying not to plan everything out, to see what tomorrow brings. But right now I'm 22 and I still haven't got a clue what I want from life. The only thing that I know is that I want a nice job so I don't have to drag myself to work every single day but actually enjoy going.
The thing that made me realise that I am doing things wrong, is the fact that I find myself being jealous over small things that I normally do not get jealous about. I hate being jealous, it makes people bitter. Si really have to find my 'path', preferably through a beautiful forest and with bends and turns and the possibility to choose another path when I feel the need. The thing I need for this, I think, is a vacation. I can't even remember when the last time I was on vacation. I've been away for a night or two a couple of time but I need more. I want to go away for a week or something. Be a real tourist and see things and plan things to do. Normally I was supposed to go to Norway with my aunt, uncle and boyfriend but that it not happening this year and it might not happen at all. The next plan was going to London with a friend for a couple of days and see as much as possible in that timespan, but that is not happening either. My next plan is going to Helsinki. I want to go with my boyfriend, but the chances that he will be able to go with me, are slim. Maybe I should go alone, I thought. I could be quite and adventure. Downside: I have never flown before and I'm terrified to do so. So getting on a plane all on my own... not sure if I will be able to do that. And I think I will kind of feel bad going without my boyfriend. Since we've been together (5 and a half years) we wanted to go to Finland. So if he can't go, I probably won't go on a vacation. Well there still is the option of travelling abroad to see my favourite band if they come 'near' (read: Germany, UK, France, The Netherlands...)
Every relationship is like a plant; you need to water it, give it
enough sunlight and if it grows, give it a bigger place to grow in. And
with some people, I have the feeling only my side is green, lush and
full of flowers.
I'm going to try and do is stop saying yes to almost everyone and everything all the time. When someone has an idea and it's not crazy, and I might not like it 100%, I say okay. If they ask me to do something and I'm able to, I say I'll do it. It has to stop unless I get something in return. I'm done giving. And I'm tired of sitting around and waiting for people and of the one sided conversations. I'm going to stop trying to maintain friendships and always be there for people when they don't are there for me when I need them. Keeping in contact is so easy nowadays and still some people managed to neglect friendships. Fine. Let them die. I'm done caring. I'm done being patient and nice except to those who never ask anything of me and always take the time to listen to me whining about everything and nothing at all.
I have to stop ranting since I'm starting to feel pretty sick again and I still have loads to do before Monday. To concluded this, this song describes how I feel: