Exams are starting tomorrow and honestly I am terrified of them. Last semester I fail all of them except two of a partial exam. I knew that it was because I haven't studied enough. Now, however, I have even less time to study. I had to rewrite two papers, make some other assignments and we don't even have one free week to study. I try not to be nervous... but actually I'm almost freaking out. I am so bad in handling stress.
The main problem is that I'm distracted easily. When I have to study the sky out side suddenly becomes very interesting or the posters on my wall. I'd love to study in the library, but unfortunately there is never space unless if you come when it opens and since I tend to work late and sleep a bit longer it's not really an option.
And suddenly I have a lot of doubts again... about everything. So much has happened lately. My aunt who has been in the hospital for over a month, though she's finally doing a little bit better, my uncle who doesn't show up at the hospital any more and is acting a bit strange. My computer has been crashing all the time (though BF managed to fix it... for now) and one of our cats died. I have never been really attached to that particular cat but I still miss him. He was always lying on the couch and prowling around and walking around in with his typical panther like strides. He was actually a miniature version of a panther... It just sucks that everything was going better again and now the doubts have set in again.
People think it wrong or odd that I don't work towards something in my life and just wait and see what tomorrow will bring. If someone would ask me where I would see my self in ten years... or perhaps even in five years, I would not be able to answer that since I have absolutely no clue. Most of my friend have these big plans and know exactly what they want to do and often they already know how they could get there, or at least try to get there. Well I'd love to able to hang around in a comfortable chair for a whole day and read as much as I want or saddle my horse whenever I want and go out for a trail ride. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way and I'll have to earn money one way or another. I don't want to be demented on my boyfriend for everything (if we stay together... so far I don't see a reason why we wouldn't but I cannot predict the future... it would be boring).
I have always been a daydreamer. If I could I would grab my horse, my BF, say goodbye to my friends and family and leave for Middle Earth or some other exciting fantasy world full of mystery! I'd love to be a magician! That however... is not a career option in this world... the closest I can get, I suppose, is use words to create magic.
So far for the rant... just need to get it out of me so I can go back studying those stupid words and stuff for Dutch Proficiency exam tomorrow. I'm so dreading the essay writing part... haven't followed the news for quite a while (we get topics that have been in the news) and I suck in spelling and writing something good under time pressure...