So it hurts to be alive, my friend

Recently I have been confronted with two people in my 'inner circle' of friends/family who have suicidal thoughts. It made me think a lot about life and how to deal with it's dark side, but I realized that I haven't met life's dark side yet. I'm pretty sure I have had a peek of it, but I have no clue how overwhelming and heavy life can be. Well actually, I have an idea of how bad it can be, but it's not a first hand experience and honestly, I hope I will never know.

I very small part of me can comprehend why people would want to end their life, but since I've never been so deep, I have no idea how it feels like. I find it very hard to bring up sympathy for those people. I will never say: don't do it. I'm not such a big egoist. Of course I don't want them to do it, but it's their choice.

None of us has chosen to be alive. Life was merely given to use by our parents, our God or how ever you believe. Life is a very precious gift and to kill kill yourself will destroy that gift. Suicide is a selfish, easy way out, but not the right one. I admire people who come to that conclusion themselves and fight against the dark shadow that has settled in their mind.

Don't you tell me how life should be

I hate people who try to control other people's lives. I believe that every person has the right to chase their dreams, to develop and grow. If you have to do something in life you do not like for a very long period of time, you will become unhappy at one level or another. You just won't be motivated to put effort in it.

I think it's really strange that parents expect from their children that they become a doctor or an advocate. Or that they force their kids to go to university. Everyone"s dreams are different. Some people dream of this one  job they want to do, others dream of having a lot of money, or a nice house and a family. I love my parents for letting me chose what to do and support me no matter what. They'd be perfectly happy if I decided to work as a shopkeeper for the rest of my life. 

I also belief that, to be really happy, you need to have a purpose in life. Something you want to achieve. You have to keep on dreaming. To be honest, I don't have a big dream right now since I'm not certain where I want to go with my life. Right now I want to get as smoothly as possible through Uni and it will be completely  awesome if I could spent a semester studying in a different country, preferably somewhere in the U;K or Ireland. 

Well actually I have a dream. I love to write a novel and become a published writer but it's not the time yet to work towards that dream. First I need to finish my studies and settle down. I don't like to look too far into the future. I made a lot of plans with my BF already. Some very vague, some clear. But those plans can change easily. I do my best to live day by day and see what a new day bring me. Most of all I try to spend less time worrying and more time enjoying the simple things of life, because life is way too short of worry. Before we know, life is over.

This song always inspires me and gives me a lot of energy. It makes me feel better when I'm down and it makes me forget my worries. 

Job rant

I'm looking for a job for about a year, but I must say that I didn't always put a lot of effort in it, and I have been doubting a lot what I really wanted to do with my life (and I'm still not really sure.) But now I decided to go for it. I am going to be a little picky, since I don't want to end up doing something that I absolutely hate. I want to be able to get out of bed in the morning, feeling good and wanting to go to work.

I'm a bit ashamed of myself of sitting home and doing nothing for a year, but I have the feeling I needed that. A break from life. Just sitting home, doing nothing. But now that period is over and I'm ready to go for it, for 200%! I want a job so I can buy a desktop computer, because my laptop, or better failtop, is dying slowly. I also want my drivers license and a car. I'm not a big fan of cars, but I was so frustrated this morning when I missed my bus that I want to be selfish and say: screw the environment, I want a fucking car! The third thing I want is money to buy and take care of a second horse or to go and live with my BF, not sure what will happen first, time will tell.

Future...

It has been ages since I last blogged and I kind of gave it up because I have the feeling no one cares or reads it, but I decided I don't care (too much).

Since my last blog (end of September) loads of (bad) things happened, but I don't want to talk about that right now. Perhaps later, perhaps never. I'm really thrilled the new year is coming and I do have the feeling I'm going to make a fresh start. At first I want to rid my self of my insecurities and be proud of who I am. Next I want to find a job and at last I want to lose weight.

Also the approaching of the new year made me wonder what I really want in live. There are a few things I really want to do, but they are still out of reach, unfortunately. So I need to find something closer to focus on. To go for. I've been slacking around for a year now, and that needs to be done. I want to go on but I am afraid of routine. Doing the same thing every day like I am doing right now. On the other hand it has some sense of security.

I also have some regrets. Regrets that I didn't try harder for my studies, because it could have been a great experience. But then I wouldn't be busy with horses right now and I would probably not be able to find a job here in Belgium and I am reluctant to leave everything behind.

I would love to become a writer, but right now, I don't have the character for it. I can't focus enough to write a story and I am still so in experienced. Another thing I would love to become: a professional photographer, but I think I am not good enough to stand out.

Aagh I have the feeling I'm stuck in this big black pit and I just can't crawl out of it. It's frustrating!